Dear Sydney

Dear Sydney,

The last two weeks have been pretty rought. You have started a very hard "all I want is mommy stage". It took both daddy and I by total surprise since you have always loved others and have never had an issue playing by yourself or with other kids.

Grandma Goez says it's because I'm pregnant and she can sense the new baby, others say it's the seperation anxiaty stage. Either way it's been challenging to say the least. I know deep down that if I wasn't pregnant, sick and tired I could handle it so much better. But I am.

You use to be such a happy morning baby, but that's gone away too. It seems like the second you get up you are whinning or screaming and nothing can make you happy. I stopped doing quiet time during the day because I was too tired to go up the stairs again during the day - not sure if you are just out of practice.

The hardest part if when daddy wants to play with you and help mom. You hate it. I have to leave the room entirely or you will just cry and cry. Most days we are soooo ready for bedtime. It makes me so sad.

I'm sad because I feel that I am missing you due to me being so tired and sick. Its harder to carry you with a growing belly. The other night I started crying because I felt like a failure - if only I had more energy, more patience and then I start thinking about TWO babies and I just want to cry.

Still, deep down inside I know that this stage where I am your favorite person will be gone too. There will be a time in the future where all you will want is dad, then friends  and I will be distant distraction. I'm sure I'll be sad then too. I found myself reinacting this conversation we will have in the future:

me: You know Sydney there was a time when all you wanted was mommy and you would cry when I was not holding you.

sydney: really? huh that's funny. But what about ___ (dad, friends, brother, sister...etc)

me: believe or not, all you wanted was me.

sydney:  that's changed hasn't it? (in a snarky tween voice tone) It's ok mom your's still cool.

Yup. I can see it now. So in the midst of all the crazy we are going through right now, I stop and look down at you. I kiss your super soft cheeks over and over again until you push me away. Its a short time.

I love you sweet Sydney. You are such a sweet little girl.