This week has been rough.
I miscarried on 3-27-17. I've never had a miscarriage before and it was a surreal experience.
I want to write about it while it's still fresh on my mind. So this weekend I realized I had not felt the baby move for several days - it has been a really stressful week at work, so I figured it had to do with that.
Then Sunday I started to see some pinkish fluid. Sunday night I started to cramp - nothing too big but still there. Monday night I woke up at 630 pm because the cramping was really hard. I felt better the entire morning until I was cleaning breakfast at 9 am. The cramping really started to hurt and so I went to the bathroom and thought I needed to poop but then I felt my water break.
It was scary so I ran to tell Tyson. He told me to call my doctor - which I did and they told me to come in later that day. Then I went back to work but the cramping got worse and all of the sudden I felt another rush of water coming out. So I ran to the bathroom and saw lots of blood and I felt something come out.
I called Tyson, who had taken the girls to school, and told him to come soon now. He came home and found me on the toilet. I started crying because I was scared. I was scared of the pain, losing the baby, not knowing what to do - everything. So he told me he wanted to look and he said that he saw the fetus hanging down. I was too scared to look at anything.
So we called our doctor and they told us to NOT do anything but go straight to the ER. So we jumped in the van and went to Good Samaritan Hospital. I remember driving there and realizing that the only other times I had been there - I got to bring a baby home, but not this time. We walked inside and the blood just kept coming down. My pants were super wet now. They quickly got me inside and got me undressed. The nurses were really nice and the doctor quickly had the nurses start liquids. Then they got me some morphine for the pain. It was a lot of cramping and they were calling my OB to see what they needed to do. So after an hour they took a speculum and tried to clean me out. It hurt. Tyson held my hands and I was brave but I was so sore.
Then we took an ultrasound and then lots of waiting. Our nurse could sense our loss and so she called Ron - the chaplin in and he was amazing. It was the first time I really cried. I asked if It was my fault - because of my bad attitude. He listened and he felt the pain we were feeling. He was great. He told us that God allows things to happen to us to give us experiences and this was an experience.
It really helped us. Both Tyson and I had a good cry. At 4 months, we were used to the thought of having a baby - and specially excited because we both felt it was going to be a boy - I guess well never know As hard as the 3 months were that I was sick, I took comfort in Tyson and the girls being so excited to be a family of 5. Now it's gone and I don't know how to feel about it.
Sometimes I feel sad, then depressed, then lonely, then relieved, then I feel like a bad person for feeling that, then back to sad again.
After the ultrasound they still could not stop me from bledding to they decided to keep me for the night and I could finally eat. However, as they were scorting me to the observation room, we were told that I was going to surgery - but we told them I already ate?
So it looks like it was a blessing mixup. Dr Burgess was finally able to come see me and did a final internal cleaning. I have to say that having those 4 pelvic clean ups were really tough and painful, but thankfully I did not have to have surgery.
I stayed the night and tried to sleep but the medication they gave me made me really itchy so at 1 am they gave me benedryl.
The next morning I had a good breakfast and I was hoping to be released at noon but it was 5 when I got released. The ride home was really sad. Both Tyson and I cried.
When Tyson picked up the girls we told them and Sydney took it really really hard. Both girls cried that night and so we stayed with them until they fell sleep.
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