Six Weeks

Six weeks. Six weeks since Sydney officially entered our lives.I had read many books and thought I was atleast half emotionally prepared for a baby. I thought I would understand her better. I almost treated it like a little project.

I was wrong.

I was not only surprised by how hard it really was to get to know her. The first two weeks I would look at her and not even feel any kind of connection of love. I did feel a lot of responsability to make sure she was ok - but love. That came later. But when it came - it came strong. Stronger than I ever thought it would.

I love my baby. I look at her and sometimes want to cry. I love looking at her in the dark while putting her to bed/naps. Her cheeks are so soft and gushy. The way she devours her binkie, the way she opens her little mouth and even cries a little. I am amazed. I am amazed at how beautiful she is.

Three weeks ago I did not feel this. I always hoped I would in the future - but just three weeks later I am obsessed with my little girl. I still don't connect that she was in my belly. I still believe she was just dropped off. But I don't really care about that. I just care she is here.

She seems so big to me and yet everyone says she's so little. I make it a habit that when she is up I only pay attention to her. I turn off the TV and put my cell away. I just focus on her. I sometimes think I can just keep these memories in my mind - but I see time just flying by.

I'm becoming a sleep natzi. I am totally focused on making her she gets enough sleep. I don't carry her everywhere. I stay home. Probably because it's cold season, she's small and it's alot of work to take a baby out. But I also just want to stay and be with her. I return to work in six weeks and I don't want to spend my precious time doing errands while she is awake. I want to just see her grow.